Chapter Six: “You people are a bunch of degenerates”

AKA This AMA got real weird, real fast.

Thank you all so much for your many questions that, much like this entire thing, varied from the sincere, to the absurd to the horrifying. I really appreciate you all reading along.

Before we get started, a correction. When I go under anesthesia, it will not be the surgeon but the Anesthesiologist who puts me under:

“And trust me, you wouldn’t want him to. That’s my job. Be very nice to your anesthesia provider. They give you the good drugs 😘 And if shit ever hits the fan, they are the only one in the room that can save you”

For the AMA, to make it easier to follow, bolding is for questions, and I will answer in italics.

Without a doubt, the most asked question was some variation of “Will the tongue thing affect cunnilingus?” (Sorry Mrs. White.)

(I told you it got weird fast). I have no idea, and I have no idea how I would even answer that.

Is this for real?

100% real. This is not some weird first person fictional narrative. I am getting a new face.

Are you going to look different? Will we still recognize you?

The answer is yes, somewhat to very much. Please see Chapter 5 and meet our new friend the Black Line of Doom and/or Destiny. You’ll still recognize me, but I will look different. I will look like a version of me. Hopefully, a better, more handsome version of me.

Can you guarentee you will only be Luke Hemsworth handsome? And not Chris or Liam?

I will literally take any of them.

Are you going to be Two-Face for Halloween this year?

Maybe. Yes.

Which Bond are you going to model your new face after?

The best Bond. Daniel Craig. Clearly.

Are you going full RDJ in Tropic Thunder?

Maybe. No.

Will you do a “new face reveal” party?

Almost definitely. Probably two (#fullHollywood). One for Sam’s New Face 1.5 (new nose) in 2022 and one for Sam’s New Face 2.0 (new nose and new jaw) in 2023.

How bad do you actually sleep? It can’t be that bad.

It is that bad, I assure you. I have nightmares every night. I toss and turn a lot. I once was having such a bad dream I punched my girlfriend, at the time, in the face while she was sleeping next to me. (Still sorry about that.)

Will this fix your sense of humor?

They’re plastic surgeons. Not miracle workers.

Why are you writing this? Why not do this on the DL?

Honestly, a few reasons.

I can’t hide this, especially the jaw thing. If it was just the nose jobs maybe I would have done this without the full fanfare but as I can’t I thought I might as well make a thing of it.

The other reason, is because I am absolutely terrified — so much so that next week’s chapter is about that almost entirely. (We call that a teaser.)

Will you still be British?

Yes, I am keeping my accent. Thank God. I know what I am selling.

When does this whole thing start? And how long is it going to take?

So right now, this is the very rough timeline:

Nose job in the first week of March.

Braces go on in April.

In December, have jaw surgery.

Recover for a month in England over Christmas. Soft food only for 4 months — hello Sugarfish. (English translation: Wasabi.)

Braces again till May or June.

New face party: July 4th, 2023.

Do you have the thing where you can only breathe through one nostril, but the other nostril is blocked. And then when you sleep, the blocked and clear nostril swap places depending on what side you lean on?

No, my left nostril is permanently blocked by bone the entire time. It’s physical. (See Chapter 2.)

Does the tongue being too big for your mouth cause snoring? I’ve been snoring I feel like my tongue is in the way of breathing.

That is almost definitely what’s happening. I can recommend some great doctors if you want to get it checked out.

Who are you seeing and why those doctors?

So as a reminder, everyone in this story has been given a false name out of respect so you can’t Google any of the below. If you want recommendations, please email me.

I found Hope Myofunctional Therapy through Google and they’ve been amazing and I couldn’t have gotten this far without them. They recommended everyone else except Mo.

Frank, the ENT plastic surgeon rebuilding the inside of my nose, recommended and works a lot with Mo, the ENT plastic surgeon rebuilding the outside of my nose. #synergy.

Dr Joe, the orthodontist, literally wrote the book on expanding your jaw from orthodontistry — they showed me the book. Barry literally invented the jaw expansion surgery I’m going to under go.

How can I help?

You’re very sweet to ask.

If you happen to work in branded content for a major brand, email me and if you sponsor and pay for some of the surgery I will literally sell my soul to whoever you want.

Failing that, please feel free to send this to anyone you think would find it funny, interesting, or has questions. The more the merrier.

The last question I got was about how my roommate feels about all this?

Annoyingly, he happens to be a professional writer and wrote the below. (Studio execs — he’s Hispanic! And LGBTQ! — hire him! Get promoted!)

Please do not expect this level of humor, grammar or writing quality going forward:

The question appears simple on the surface: What the hell do I think of this whole thing?

Which I guess is interesting because I’m sitting in the closest seat to the game — with the view of sitting on the bench, but — in comparison to the players and coaches — benefitting of a cold indifferent objectivity to the game itself. Or because whoever asked is just a nosy bastard (does that count as a pun?) who likes to stir up trouble.

Luckily for them — I like trouble. So, here’s my unvarnished opinion about a seemingly simple question that’s only made complicated by the fact that my brain is probably the only other thing in this house as messed up as Sam’s face.

Truth be told, I never thought about Sam’s face. Not because of any special reason other than the fact that beyond the people I’d like to imagine waking up to for the remaining 1–72 years of my life — I don’t really think about anyone’s face. I just sort of accept their face as their face and go back to thinking about myself (You caught me, I’m just as self-centered as you are, stop lying about it).

But the can of worms has been opened and I’m a writer (so I’m mentally dramatic) and a producer (so my brain hyper focuses on the worst-case scenario because “if it rains on this set in the desert where it hasn’t rained for 20 years, but IF, we should have tarps”).

So, now… well, now I can’t stop thinking about Sam’s face.

First, I’m forced to think about myself. Where am I in relation to this alleged ideal black line? The black line is the actual monster in It Follows, it’s the fucking game (which you just lost). The black line haunts my dreams, as it might now haunt yours. Is my head also that of Quasimodo? Do I also spark audible gasps from medical professionals? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FACE? Also, wait can I look like Ryan Reynolds? Should I start saving up for this?

Second, I start thinking about the Russian roulette game being played here. I mean, of course Hollywood doctors (and really any doctor) is going to whip out the best work they’ve ever done — but ultimately — these folks around going to be playing God with Sam’s face. What happens if and when the ideal proportions look… off? Like what happens if Sam’s face goes in, and the uncanny valley comes out? He could come out like a James Bond prototype, or he could come out like one of those digital Tom Hankses in a Zemeckis movies — better according to math and science but you can’t quite look at they’re soulless glassy eyes… We’ve all seen Nailed It. We know what the goal is, but what comes out the oven…

Now, on the line is breathing, sleeping, swallowing, and talking — which are important. The stakes are high and the bet seems worth it. But are they important enough to look like you’re being puppeteered by Andy Serkis?

Third, I’m imagining Sam in a variety of futures where he has children. And while there’s been A TON of future new face life scenarios that have run through my head, children is where my messed up brain zeroes in. Because Sam’s children will look like his wife and… the him that no longer exists. His children will genetically be made to aesthetically look like Before Sam, the Sam That Was, the weird shoe box in the closet full of photos of the time before the Sam They Know, the Only Sam they know. Daddy Sam will be a visual stranger to the children of the Ghost of Sam Past. The questions, the uncertainty, the confusion, the drama!

To end it all, the point is — I think all kinds of things about Sam’s face now… and I fucking hate it. I just want to go back to ignoring it like everyone else’s faces.